Eight Ways To Make This The Cleanest Spring Ever

By Regina Fox

Spring cleaning season is officially upon us and what a time to tackle it! There’s nothing like a little annual ritual to feel some normalcy and crush that existential dread we’re all feeling during these “uncertain times,” as all the PSAs like to call it. Plus, we hear moderate amounts of bleach fumes are good for soothing a busy mind. But this year, we’re not talking about baseboards and playrooms. This year, we’re encouraging you to crawl into the deep, dark crevices of your household; to wake the beasts that are your most unruly house projects; to conquer the chaos of your homestead!

Welcome, folks, to spring cleaning: Right Size Life edition!

Tupperware Cupboard

Do you and your family have dramatic stare-downs across the table when a meal ends in leftovers? You’ve managed to get out of it this whole week, but the dreadful task of fetching the Tupperware has finally fallen on you. But after you match ‘em, stack ‘em, and attack ‘em, they’ll be nothing to fear. After all, the forecast is calling for sunshine and warmer temperatures, not a storage container avalanche.

Junk Drawer

We’ve dealt with these unruly, anxiety-inducing, can’t-seem-to-ever-get-around-to-organizing nuisances for far too long. It’s time to rise up against them once and for all! Who knows, maybe you’ll finally find your extra set of car keys, or, better yet, enough spare change to finally buy that thing on Amazon you’re sure will bring you happiness (unlike the other 37 things you’ve purchased during the lockdown).

Closet

There’s an episode of Malcom in the Middle where the family discovers a secret bathroom buried under all the crap they crammed into a closet. We’re not saying there’s a hidden toilet under your kid’s old Halloween costumes and whatever else you’ve left to die in your home’s horrifying cubicle, but we’re also not saying there isn’t…

Contacts List

Scroll through your recent calls and texts. Do you see “Mary PTA?” Didn’t think so—your youngest kid graduated in ‘06! DELETE.

Spice Cabinet

Grabbing for the spice you need is like a game of dominos: you reach for one, you knock over three. Apart from a quarter of your selection likely being expired, the bottom of your spice cupboard is probably caked in at least an inch of brown, chalky residue. Don your putty knife/snow scraper and get to work!

Makeup Bag

You bought that bold red lipstick dreaming of NYE, fancy dinner parties, and a glamorous girl’s night out. Alas, here we are four years later—during a nation-wide shut down no less—and it still has that perfect, untouched point. But don’t pitch it just yet, and definitely don’t use it for a quarantine makeover! You could use it to write positive affirmations to yourself on the bathroom mirror. And there’s always the option of succumbing to the temptation of smashing that flawless, yet grossly-expired tip and getting the satisfaction you deserve.

Craft Bin

Will those three inches of yellow hemp really bring your Pinterest dreams to life? Maybe if you combine them with that tangled mess of fishing line… Plus that frayed bit of ribbon… Perhaps if you drench it in Modge Podge… And then sprinkle the glitter.. Nope, toss it all.

Purse/Gym Bag

Listen, you haven’t been to the gym in at least a month because they’re closed, and every time you reach into your purse your hand comes out sticky and covered in hair. That means more than 30 days of suffocated sweaty shoes, and an ungodly amount of time toting around a glorified garbage bag. Do yourself and your loved ones a favor by throwing the bags into the wash with two, nay, three capfuls of detergent on high—contents included.

Your Car

Let’s face it, the car takes a beating during the winter. More than that, many of us haven’t looked in that “glove” compartment since we bought the vehicle or had to change the registration. And be honest, we didn’t change the registration we just stuck the new one on top of the old one. Plus, who knows what is lurking in the console compartment or trunk. Do yourself a favor and clean that vehicle out then run it through a local car wash.

Your Pantry

Like the spice cabinet, what is lurking in your pantry. Check the dates on all of those products that you swore were a great idea when it was buy 10 get 1 free. If the food is still good but you don’t intend to eat it, consider food pantries. If it is out of date, well…

Your Freezer and Fridge

Comedian George Carlin is famous for his Ice Box Man routine and we all need one in our house. Old hot sauces, have eaten jars of salsa, pickles that werenot that good to begin with. All can go in the great spring purge. While you are at it, check the freezer. If you don’t remembe buying it, it probably is well past its useful life.